At our law firm, we’re no strangers to the challenges of communicating with high-conflict personalities (HCPs)—especially in family law, where emotional intensity and adversarial behavior often complicate even routine interactions. That’s why Bill Eddy’s BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices caught my attention. I’ve read other books in the BIFF series, but this one is tailored specifically to the legal context, and it delivers practical, lawyer-ready strategies for keeping difficult conversations on track.
If you’re unfamiliar with BIFF, it is the idea that communications with HCPs should be:
B – Brief
I – Informative
F – Friendly
F – Firm
The BIFF method is particularly useful in family law, where many HCPs are clients. Aside from reaffirming BIFF as a reliable method for dealing with HCPs, the book taught me two other strategies that I will be utilizing immediately.
1. No apologies.
When dealing with an HCP, you don’t want to apologize, even if you did make an error. This is because HCPs are likely to interpret an apology for something minor as an admission of global guilt or wrongdoing. HCPs typically think in an all-or-nothing mindset and will twist an apology into something else. HCPs also tend to think of themselves as a victim, and an apology, even for something trivial, will only reinforce that self-perception. Instead of apologizing, you should simply acknowledge the issue factually and explain how it will be handled going forward.
It is important to remember the no apology rule only applies to conversations with HCPs. When communicating with a non-HCP, it is okay and sometimes appropriate to apologize.
2. Remove emotional language
When receiving a hostile written communication, cross out the non-essential, emotional content of the message before drafting your response. Below is a real email from a former angry client that completely blindsided me (some information changed to protect privacy):
I’m still looking for guidance on this. I received a bill for services but no helpful answers. I’m sick this week and my patience is extremely low. As I stated earlier he is shifting all parenting duties to me next weekend without any discussion or negotiation. The entire weekend is blocked off with his family member. I think this is outrageous. I am very disappointed that you found time to send me the hearing information but have left me hanging since 11:23 on 1/30. But of course there’s an updated bill. Please respond!
I was blindsided because I had already provided guidance in my last email to her and I had no idea she was waiting for something more from me. My instinct was to defend myself, and to point out that I have nothing to do with when my firm sends out invoices. However, if I had used the cross-out method, I would have been left with this:
I’m still looking for guidance on this. I received a bill for services but no helpful answers. I’m sick this week and my patience is extremely low. As I stated earlier he is shifting all parenting duties to me next weekend without any discussion or negotiation. The entire weekend is blocked off with his family members. I think this is outrageous. I am very disappointed that you found time to send me the hearing information but have left me hanging since 11:23 on 1/30. But of course there’s an updated bill. Please respond!
After crossing out all of the emotional, irrelevant parts of the email, I’m left with a message that tells me: the client needs additional legal guidance, the client is unwell, and the client expects a response. If I address only those aspects, I will be better able to write a BIFF response:
Dear Client,
I am happy to provide further guidance on this issue. [Insert relevant legal advice here].
I hope you feel better soon.
Best,
Virginia
This message is brief (only 2 paragraphs), informative (I gave her legal advice), friendly (I acknowledged she is not feeling well and wished her good health), and firm (I ended the conversation and didn’t give her any room to get defensive). I also refrained from apologizing, which would likely have reinforced the client’s negative narrative.
At our law firm, we promote all of the BIFF books and try to employ the practive on a daily basis. This newest BIFF book is worth a read if you are a lawyer or work in a law office.