Separation is a major change for a family. Parents dealing with their own emotions often struggle to see the situation from their children’s perspective. Children may be internalizing the transition in ways parents do not notice.
When it comes to birthdays, the last thing parents want is to turn a special occasion into another disagreement. Here are some tips on handling your child’s birthday after separation.
Birthdays Are About the Kids, Not the Parents
During custody agreements, some parents try to include provisions that split birthdays evenly. Others alternate years or plan separate parties regardless of circumstances. Rarely do parents ask the child what they want.
If you can honor your child’s wishes, make every effort to do so. A child’s special day should not be overshadowed by anger or hurt between parents.
Coordinate and Cooperate
If you can celebrate together, it is important for parents to discuss details for the celebration. Things that should be discussed are whether significant others or extended family members can attend (or if that should be saved for another time), the cost of the celebration, who will be buying specific gifts for the child, and what day the celebration will take place. Once the details have been agreed upon, a joint invitation can then be issued to your child’s guests.
Why Not Throw Two Parties?
If you cannot have a shared party for any reason, then holding two separate birthday celebrations is an option. With separate celebrations, it allows the extended family to be part of the celebrations. If parents are having separate celebrations, it is still courteous to let the other parent know what your plans are and what gifts are being purchased, to avoid duplication or disappointment from the child.
Pay Attention to What Your Child is Feeling
Whatever you and your ex decide to do for your child’s birthday, your child may not be fully honest in expressing how they feel about the situation. Your child may have plenty of reasons to suppress their emotions, whether it be to avoid further tension or the pressure to please both parents. Open, appropriate discussions should be had with your child about their feelings.
You can acknowledge your child’s feelings without giving them specific information as to why you and your ex cannot be in the same room with each other. Having the child discuss the issue with his or her therapist can also be helpful.
Contact Your Family Law Attorney for More Information
If compromise is currently not on the table, and you believe that your ex’s behavior is affecting the happiness of your child, an experienced family law attorney at Wasserman White Family Law can help. Remember that your options are not always limited to the terms in the custody order and that further amendments can be made under the right conditions if parents agree otherwise.